NARUTO RETOLD
by Cobalt Striker
Summary: SUMMARIZING NARUTO WITH ALL CAPS AND IN BOLD WITHOUT PROPER SENTENCES WOOO
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: HEY**

**GUESS WHAT I OWN**

**THAT'S RIGHT**

**NOTHING**

**ALSO **

**DON'T GET PISSED**

**IF I **

**MISCONSTRUE**

**CANON**

**I'M AWESOME, BUT ONLY HUMAN**

* * *

**SO**

**THERE'S LIKE THIS HUGE ASS FOX**

**WITH NINE TAILS**

**AND IT'S MADE OUT OF HATRED OR WHATEVER**

**AND IT'S ATTACKING THIS VILLAGE**

**BECAUSE THIS CHICK IS PREGNANT**

**AND THE FOX WAS LIKE**

**SEALED IN HER FOR SOME REASON**

**AND SHIT WAS GONNA GO FINE**

**AND THE FOX**

**WOULD HAVE A SMOOTH TRANSITION**

**BETWEEN MOM **

**AND SON**

**BUT MADARA FUCKING UCHIHA**

**WITH SWIRLY EYES AND ALL**

**DECIDES THAT IT WOULD BE**

**A GOOD IDEA**

**IF SHIT WOULD NOT GO FINE**

**THEN SUDDENLY**

**MINATO NAMIKAZE BITCH**

**HE SUMMONS A GIGANTIC FUCKING TOAD**

**AND HE STANDS ON IT**

**AND HE'S ALL LIKE**

**FUCK YOU**

**THEN HE SUMMONS**

**GOD**

**HOLY SHIT**

**LITERALLY**

**WELL, NOT THE SHIT PART**

**AND THEN**

**GOD STABS THE FOX**

**AND IS JUST GENERALLY BADASS**

**ALSO HE STEALS MINATO'S SOUL FOR SOME REASON**

**YOU'D THINK A DEATH GOD **

**WOULDN'T HAVE A HARD TIME **

**GETTING SOULS**

**BUT I DIGRESS**

**SO MINATO SEALS THE FOX**

**INTO HIS SON**

**DIIIIICK MOVE**

**TWELVE YEARS LATER**

**NARUTO**

**THAT'S THE VESSEL**

**BY THE WAY**

**IS TREATED LIKE SHIT**

**WELL**

**NOT REALLY**

**MORE LIKE IGNORED**

**IS IN NINJA SCHOOL**

**AND **

**DESPITE BEING**

**THE SON OF A PRODIGY**

**AND HAVING**

**A FUCKHUGE FOX**

**MADE OF HATRED**

**SEALED IN HIM**

**HE IS LIKE **

**THE SHITTIEST NINJA**

**IN THE HISTORY**

**OF SHITTY NINJAS**

**ANYWAY**

**DIGRESSING**

**SO**

**APPARENTLY**

**THE FOX**

**IS A SECRET**

**AND IF YOU TELL**

**YOU DIE**

**NO ONE KNOWS**

**ASIDE FROM **

**EVERYONE OVER 18**

**NICE SECRET**

**PLUMFUCK**

**SO**

**NARUTO IS TAKING**

**A NINJA TEST**

**FOR NINJAS**

**AND HAS FAILED TWICE**

**AND NOW**

**SHIT**

**HE FAILS AGAIN**

**GOOD JOB**

**SO**

**HIS TEACHER **

**WHO IS A TRAITOR**

**GIVES HIM A TEST**

**THAT'S OBVIOUSLY BULLSHIT**

**I MEAN **

**STEAL A FORBIDDEN SCROLL**

**FROM SOMEONE **

**WITH A NICKNAME**

**LIKE THE GOD OF SHINOBI**

**AND IS ALSO THE HOKAGE**

**THAT'S MOONRUNES FOR **

**FIRE SHADOW**

**OR**

**THE LEADER**

**OF THE FUCKING VILLAGE OF NINJAS**

**THE _BEST _VILLAGE OF NINJAS**

**HE'S GOING TO DO IT**

**ARE YOU RETARDED**

**YES**

**NARUTO IS RETARDED**

**HE GOES TO ****THE VILLAGE LEADER'S OFFICE**

**AND TRANSFORMS INTO A NAKED CHICK**

**TO KNOCK HIM OUT**

**IT WORKS**

**THE FUCK**

**HOW SHITTY OF A VILLAGE IS THIS**

**REALLY**

**ANYWAY**

**HE STEALS THE SCROLL**

**AND READS IT**

**HE SOMEHOW MASTERS**

**A FORBIDDEN TECHNIQUE**

**IN LIKE**

**AN HOUR**

**IT MAKES SOLID CLONES**

**HE CAN DO THAT NOW**

**BASICALLY ****FOREVER**

**SO THE OTHER TEACHER SHOWS UP**

**AND IS LIKE **

**WHAT**

**THE**

**FUCK**

**NARUTO**

**AND THEN THE TRAITOR TEACHER SHOWS UP**

**AND THROWS**

**A KILOFUCK OF METAL**

**INTO THE GOOD TEACHER'S BACK**

**AND NARUTO IS _PISSED_**

**LET ME GIVE YOU**

**AN IDEA **

**OF HOW PISSED NARUTO IS**

**HE IS HAPPY**

**TWENTY FIVE HOURS A DAY**

**EIGHT DAYS A WEEK**

**DESPITE DRESSING IN ORANGE,**

**HAVING HIS DREAM OF BEING HOKAGE**

**SHATTERED INTO A BAJILLION PIECES**

**AND HAVING AN ACUTE CASE**

**OF NO PARENTS-ITIS**

**SO**

**ANYWAY**

**HE MAKES**

**AN**

**ASSLOAD**

**OF CLONES**

**AND THEY DROWN HIM **

**IN A BUKKAKE OF FISTS**

**ON HIS FACE**

**YAY**

**SOMEHOW**

**GOOD TEACHER IS ALIVE**

**HE GIVES NARUTO**

**HIS NINJA HEADBAND**

**WHICH SIGNIFIES NINJADOM**

**IT'S SYMBOLIC OKAY**

**YAAAAAY**

**TOMORROW:**

**NARUTO ENTERS THE CLASSROOM**

**LIKE**

**WHAT UP **

**BITCHES**

**AND STUFF HAPPENS**

**A WILD GOOD TEACHER GUY APPEARS**

**HE GIVES THE NAMES OF THE NINJA TEACHERS**

**OF YOUR NINJA THREE MAN TEAMS**

**NARUTO'S TEACHER APPEARS **

**THREE HOURS LATE**

**THREE FUCKING HOURS**

**WHILE READING PORN**

**FUCK **

**YOU**

**INTRODUCTIONS**

**KAKASHI DOESN'T SAY SHIT ABOUT HIMSELF**

**SASUKE—HIS NEW TEAMMATE**

**IS A BROODY PISSFUCKER**

**WHO WANTS TO AVENGE HIS CLAN**

**BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL DEAD**

**IS ALSO REALLY POPULAR**

**HUH**

**HOW DID THAT HAPPEN**

**SAKURA—OTHER TEAMMATE**

**HAS A CRUSH ON SASUKE**

**HITS NARUTO BECAUSE HE HAS A CRUSH ON HER**

**DESPITE BEING A MAIN CHARACTER**

**THAT'S IT**

**THEN**

**KAKASHI'S LIKE**

**WAIT**

**THERE'S MORE**

**A SEEEECRET TEST**

**ONLY TWO PASS**

**GOOD LUCK**

**ALSO**

**NO BREAKFAST**

**LATER~**

**NEXT DAY**

**KAKASHI**

**TELLS THEM TO ATTACK HIM**

**NATURALLY**

**TEAM SEVEN SUCKS AT THIS**

**AND THEY GET **

**THEIR ASSES BEATEN **

**AND NARUTO IS FINGERED IN THE ASS**

**FOR SOME REASON**

**REKT**

**THEN SUPER SECRET TEAMWORK HIDDEN TEST RELATED BULLSHIT HAPPENS**

**IGNORING THE STRAINED RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN THEM**

**WOOT**

**THEY PASS**

**YAY**

**SO **

**NOW THAT WE'RE NINJAS**

**WHAT MISSIONS DO WE GET**

**GARDENING**

**THEY ARE PISSED**

**FILLER FILLER FILLER**

**NARUTO GETS A BRIDGE NAMED AFTER HIM**

**GOOD JOB**

**ALSO SASUKE GETS SWIRLY EYES**

**MORE ****EXAMS**

**COOL**

**SO**

**WHAT ELSE**

**MANDATORY CROCS**

**MADE OF LEGOS**

**ANYWAY**

**EXAM STUFF**

**BLAH BLAH BLAH**

**NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE FIRST PHASE**

**SECOND PHASE**

**IT'S A FOREST**

**OF DEATH**

**THEN SOMEHOW**

**A SUPERNINJA**

**GIVES SASUKE SNAKE HERPES OR WHATEVER**

**THIRD PHASE**

**A TOURNAMENT**

**TO THE DEATH**

**FOR TWELVE YEAR OLDS**

**BUT THEN SUDDENLY **

**IT'S RAINING FEATHERS**

**NICE**

**AND OFF TO SLEEP I GO**

**A DEMON VESSEL**

**SHOWS UP**

**DUN DUN DUUUUN**

**NEXT CHAPTER AHOY!**


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: LOOK AT IT**

**AT WHAT?**

**ALL OF THE NOTHING I OWN**

* * *

**OHHH SHIT**

**ANOTHER DEMON VESSEL**

**EXCEPT SAND**

**INSTEAD OF **

**WAIT**

**WAIT**

**WAIT**

**WHAT **

**WHY**

**WHY ARE THERE SNAKES**

**SHIT**

**SO**

**THIS SNAKE GUY**

**AND THIS RACCOON FUCKER**

**ARE ATTACKING THE VILLAGE?**

**FUCK**

**HAHA**

**NEVERMIND**

**THE SNAKE GUY**

**IS NOW TRAPPED**

**IN A DISCO PYRAMID WITH THE HOKAGE**

**WE WIN**

**WAIT**

**WHAT**

**SNAKE GUY IS A NECROMANCER**

**SHIT**

**WHY ISN'T EVERYONE A WIZARD**

**DUDE**

**YOU CAN BE A WIZARD **

**THAT ASSTART**

**WHY**

**HE'S SUMMONING MORE HOKAGES**

**THIS ISN'T JUST BULLSHIT**

**IT IS THE FESTIVAL OF BULLSHIT**

**WITH PARADES AND EVERYTHING**

**THE HOKAGE LOST**

**FUCK**

**WAIT**

**NEVERMIND**

**THE HOKAGE**

**USED THE DEATH GOD SEAL**

**OR WHATEVER**

**SOOO**

**WE WIN**

**WAIT**

**NOPE**

**THE RACCOON **

**RIGHT**

**SHIT**

**ANYWAY DIE**

**FUCK A DUCK**

**SO **

**SASUKE ACTIVATES DRAG FORM**

**BUT FAILS**

**AS YOU KNOW**

**CHANGING YOUR SEXUALITY**

**ISN'T ALWAYS THE ANSWER**

**BUT THEN**

**NARUTO**

**PUNCHES GAARA SO HARD**

**THAT GAARA SOMEHOW GETS THERAPY**

**HOLY SHIT**

**DUDE**

**BE LIKE **

**A NINJA THERAPIST**

**YOU COULD BE**

**LIKE**

**BALLS DEEP INTO ENEMY TERRITORY**

**BUT **

**YOU BEFRIEND EVERYONE THERE**

**SHIT MAN**

**THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ACTUAL SHOW**

**ANYWAY**

**DIGRESSING FORM ACTIVATE**

**FILLER FILLER FILLER**

**JIRAYA**

**HIS ABSENT GODFATHER**

**FOR TWELVE YEARS**

**IS A PORN WRITER**

**SHIT **

**TWELVE YEARS**

**THAT IS A LOT OF TIME**

**BUT **

**AT LEAST**

**HE TRAINED NARUTO**

**FOR LIKE**

**A MONTH**

**GOOD JOB**

**DICKBUTT**

**SO **

**THEY LOOK FOR JIRAYA'S THIRD TEAMMATE**

**THE LEGENDARY SUCKER**

**TRYING TO IGNORE**

**ALL OF THE POSSIBLE JOKES**

**FAILING**

**DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH /ENDURANCE/**

**HEH**

**SO THE DIFFERENCE**

**BETWEEN JIRAYA AND SNAKEFUCKER—ALSO KNOWN AS OROCHIMARU**

**IS THAT JIRAYA CAN DO NORMAL PEOPLE THINGS**

**SO THEY FIND TSUNADE**

**HEY**

**MAYBE THIS CAN BE A NORMAL MISSION**

**FOR ONCE**

**YEAH**

**EXCEPT NO**

**NOT REALLY**

**SO TSUNADE**

**SLIPS JIRAYA**

**A ROOFIE**

**AND THEN **

**GOES TO OROCHIMARU**

**THINKING THAT HE CAN REZ**

**HER HOMIES**

**SHE THINKS HE'S THE BEE'S KNEES**

**EXCEPT THEY'RE SNAKES**

**AND WHAT EVER SNAKES HAVE AS KNEES**

**WAIT**

**FUCK**

**HE SHOOTS SNAKES**

**OUT OF HIS HANDS**

**NOPE**

**NOPE NOPE**

**NOOOOOOOOPE**

**DIE**

**DIE**

**DIE**

**FIGHT SCENE**

**YAY WE WIN**

**NOW WHAT**

**OH**

**RIGHT **

**SASUKE BEING A BITCH**

**FORGOT ABOUT THAT**

**SO HE LOSES TO HIS BROTHER**

**LIKE THIS EMO TRANSVESTITE WHORE HE IS**

**AND**

**THINKS**

**THAT **

**IT WOULD BE GREAT**

**IF HE**

**COULD GO TO A PASTY FACED SNAKE MAN**

**WHO BITES CHILDREN**

**AND IF HE**

**COULD STAY IN HIS BASEMENT**

**WOO**

**SO NARUTO**

**AND SOME PEOPLE WE DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT**

**TRY TO RESCUE SASUKE**

**SOMEHOW**

**NARUTO DOES NOT IMMEDIATELY WIN**

**DESPITE HAVING A FOX**

**THE SIZE**

**OF A KAIJU**

**THAT SHOOTS LAZERS**

**MADE OF HATE**

**WHY ISN'T THAT AN INSTANT WIN CONDITION**

**THIS WORLD MAKES NO SENSE**

**THEN**

**JIRAYA'S LIKE**

**COME WITH ME**

**TO HAVE INTENSE TRAINING **

**AND TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE WORLD**

**FOR THREE YEARS**

**AND BY ALL THAT I MEAN**

**TEACH YOU THE RASENGAN**

**THAT'S IT**


End file.
